“You know one of the reasons why I love you?”
“Why?”
“You’re a critical thinker.”
I don’t remember what we were talking about- probably a song/film/current event. Whatever it was, conversation was flowing and we were building off of each other.
*Cue the nerd in me swooning*
“You know about sex?”
It was a weekday morning and my younger sister and I were eating breakfast before school, when our mother came into the kitchen with her loaded random question. I must have been no more than 9 and Flo was about 7. I remember us looking at each other, with spoons halfway to our mouths, and our eyes wondering what in the world did Mom’s question really mean and how should we answer it.
“Ye..Yes..Yeeeeessss, Mommy,” we answered nervously in unison.
‘Good,” Mom replied and exited the room.
And that was our sex talk. Nothing more. And I wanted more.
Mom had the same approach when my first period came. And again, I wanted to know more. I wanted to have a mother-daughter talk about first times, kissing, and liking the way boys stared whenever my girlfriends and I walked by.
Mom wasn’t having it.
I understand now that she was embarrassed and uncomfortable. What Mom was taught about sex and sexuality she learned in a conservative religious context that emphasized abstinence until marriage. My mother wasn’t withholding information from me- she just didn’t know what to say. She was never given the language to have “the talk” with her 10-year-old daughter who was already developing curves and crushing on boys.
Recently, I came across the documentary “Silence: In Search of Black Female Sexuality in America“ by Mya. B. In the film, several women share stories of being raised in households where sex was only brought up when they were instructed to keep their panties up, dresses down and legs closed. Unfortunately, this all-too-common upbringing has caused Black and Brown women to be mute about and ashamed of our sexual wants, needs, and desires. Many of us grow up thinking that sex is something that happens to us, instead of an act that we can choose when, how and with who we want to do it. We allow boys/men to define what our sexuality feels and looks like, believing that they have more knowledge about our bodies than we do.
Settling into a place where my spirituality and sexuality are in harmony, I wonder what I’ll tell my children – especially my daughters. I’d love to spare them from the guilt, shame and misguided sexual liberation I experienced but My Love reminded me that embracing our sexuality is a personal journey. Not sure what I’ll say yet but I do know that I want to be there for them to ask and share anything.
Last year, Flo and I took Mom out on a lunch date and somehow the topic of her and Telly’s [our stepdad] sex life came up. We cracked up at her attempting to explain to us some sex position she heard about from a friend but couldn’t understand.
“I’m so happy I can talk to you girls now,” Mom said as we drove her home.
Guess everyone is need of some girl talk, including Mom.
What was your parent’s attempt at having “the talk” like? What will you tell your kids about sex?
With me and My Love sharing a space, I’ve been on ultra, hyper cleaning mode. Here are a few links that can help with keeping home tidy:
