“You know about sex?”
It was a weekday morning and my younger sister and I were eating breakfast before school, when our mother came into the kitchen with her loaded random question. I must have been no more than 9 and Flo was about 7. I remember us looking at each other, with spoons halfway to our mouths, and our eyes wondering what in the world did Mom’s question really mean and how should we answer it.
“Ye..Yes..Yeeeeessss, Mommy,” we answered nervously in unison.
‘Good,” Mom replied and exited the room.
And that was our sex talk. Nothing more. And I wanted more.
Mom had the same approach when my first period came. And again, I wanted to know more. I wanted to have a mother-daughter talk about first times, kissing, and liking the way boys stared whenever my girlfriends and I walked by.
Mom wasn’t having it.
I understand now that she was embarrassed and uncomfortable. What Mom was taught about sex and sexuality she learned in a conservative religious context that emphasized abstinence until marriage. My mother wasn’t withholding information from me- she just didn’t know what to say. She was never given the language to have “the talk” with her 10-year-old daughter who was already developing curves and crushing on boys.
Recently, I came across the documentary “Silence: In Search of Black Female Sexuality in America“ by Mya. B. In the film, several women share stories of being raised in households where sex was only brought up when they were instructed to keep their panties up, dresses down and legs closed. Unfortunately, this all-too-common upbringing has caused Black and Brown women to be mute about and ashamed of our sexual wants, needs, and desires. Many of us grow up thinking that sex is something that happens to us, instead of an act that we can choose when, how and with who we want to do it. We allow boys/men to define what our sexuality feels and looks like, believing that they have more knowledge about our bodies than we do.
Settling into a place where my spirituality and sexuality are in harmony, I wonder what I’ll tell my children – especially my daughters. I’d love to spare them from the guilt, shame and misguided sexual liberation I experienced but My Love reminded me that embracing our sexuality is a personal journey. Not sure what I’ll say yet but I do know that I want to be there for them to ask and share anything.
Last year, Flo and I took Mom out on a lunch date and somehow the topic of her and Telly’s [our stepdad] sex life came up. We cracked up at her attempting to explain to us some sex position she heard about from a friend but couldn’t understand.
“I’m so happy I can talk to you girls now,” Mom said as we drove her home.
Guess everyone is need of some girl talk, including Mom.
What was your parent’s attempt at having “the talk” like? What will you tell your kids about sex?
Comments
2 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.What is interesting is that I never got “the talk”. All I ever receieved was that the moment men get the “p****” (mommy’s words, not mine lol) they are done with you. Hearing that come from a woman’s mouth who is adamant about respecting yourself, I just could not shake it. Therefore, for the most part, I have seen my vagina as being an additional power to my being.
As far as what I would say to my daughters, I know I will talk with them but be more of the ears in the conversation to simply know what their thoughts are. I have friends who are breaking into their adulthood but have been active for years and they still believe talking about their sexual relations and enjoyment as being “nasty”. I never could quite understand it. We have sex. We enjoy it and we continue to do it. What is nasty about that?
I just know that I want my children to understand sex and not believe their desires for it is strange or dirty. I strongly believe that since we do not talk about it causes unneccesary confusion and shame.
I have so much to say….I don’t even know where to begin! lol…However, I have to go to sleep, but I will be back tomorrow. Excellent post, can’t wait to see the full documentary.