When I grow up…I want financial harmony in my union
Monday night, on a train ride back to Brooklyn with Lin, we chatted it up about love and finances. We agreed that while romantic chemistry is a must, financial compatibility is also important as marriage, children, self employment and stability become things we both want in our not-too-distant future.
No, we didn’t talk about being on the search for a man that carries a black card and owns a private jet. Instead, Lin and I emphasized wanting a partner that may not have beaucoup dollars in the bank but knows how to manage the money he does have. And you can’t mention money management nowadays without bringing up credit scores and debt.
Our conversation reminded me of The New York Times’ “How Debt Can Destroy a Budding Relationship” article I read last month. In it, 31-year-old Allison shared how three days after she disclosed her $170,000 debt to her fiance, he broke off the engagement. To some, his reaction was too severe and drastic but was it?
Early in their relationship, Allison originally told her fiance that she was about $100,000 in debt. As their wedding date got closer, she finally sat down and calculated exactly how much she owed. Once she revealed to him that the true balance was $70,000 more, he accused her of lying. Allison admits that if she was lying to anyone, it was herself. She sent 12 checks a year for $1,100 without wanting to know the full amount of her debt because it was depressing.
Even if being honest about your financial history doesn’t cause a break up, there are still potentially uncomfortable questions that need to come up. For example, who will pay off the significant debt? If it’s the partner with the least amount of money owed and the higher income, that person may build up resentment due to his/her having less freedom to do things, like make a career change. Realistically, any amount of debt can make “building a future together” difficult – especially when that future includes buying a home, quitting the 9 to 5, discussing family size and getting a second or third degree.
Right now, I’m $40,000 in debt – with much of the balance coming from undergrad- and a credit score that’s womp, womp (I’m working on it!). Could my debt be a relationship deal breaker? I doubt it but who knows. Hypothetically, my fated life partner may have a squeaky clean credit report and think Sallie Mae is a country singer, instead of a private student loan lender. He could see my financial history as a hindrance to his goals and future.
Personally, I understand that all sorts of things could make someone’s financial history spotty from medical bills, student loans, family emergencies to unemployment. I think I’m alright being with someone who made a few money mistakes in their youth, but is working hard to set a strong financial foundation in their 20s and early 30s. That means, if you’re 29 and stunting like you’re a baller – charging bottle service and leasing lambos on a $30,000/year salary- that tells me you’re financially irresponsible. Who wants to be with someone that will spend the mortgage or baby’s diaper money on a night out with the homies? I’m just saying.
At what point should you have the premarriage money talk with your partner? When should you mention your indebtness? What’s your thoughts on prenuptial agreements? And how much and what kind of debt would make someone undateable/unmarriable?
Comments
5 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.Pre-Marriage money talk should happen as soon as the both of you are having conversations about marriage. I think thats the safest time to ask all the “uncomfortable” questions before the ring is bought.
Oh and LMAO @ Sallie Mae is a country singer. Also I don’t know what my debt limit is for a partner but I can say $175,000 is a lot. When you are trying to buy a house(if thats what your plan) your debt to income ratio will be screwed. Then the partner with the least debt is forced to purchase it under their name only.
I think that talk should happen ASAP! From my experience, when you’re in a relationship, and especially when you live together, his money problems become your money problems and vice versa. Your money and his money now become the collective “our moneys”. So I think honesty and forthrightness is definitely important.
First off, great post. I think it’s a very interesting topic you brought up here. The money conversation should happen when you start seriously dating. I don’t think it’s something that you should hide because it’s important to get people’s viewpoints on that sooner than later to ensure you’re both on the same page and aware of each others situation.
I’m not a fan of pre-nups since I feel like it’s important to come into relationship with the idea of being together forever and being able to share all things. With regard to your last question, the kind of debt that has collectors calling your phone when we’re at the movies on a Saturday night or the one that has your phone turned off every other month is the kind that I can’t deal with. Most things are however negotiable.
Kat…you continue to do it big, and you don’t fret over your financial woes i’m in the million dollar studio as we speak (i would put “lol” here, but i’m actually very serious, we’ll talk). Now for the blog post, i think it is very important to talk about finances with your partner when you begin to talk about marriage. Perhaps its not so much about how much debt you have, but more so how you amassed it. If the debt is due to a couple degrees i can’t knock you, but if i find out Gucci is your best friend its over for you.