I know, I'm not right. I just couldn't resist.
With the hustle and bustle of New York, it’s easy to briefly lose touch with old friends.
I’ve recently started to miss a guy friend that I haven’t heard from in awhile. I’ve gotten so caught up in the new developments in my life, that once I came up for air, I realized that a year has passed since the last time I saw him and about seven month since I reached out to him and received no response.
We didn’t hang out or have long phone conversations, but I did appreciate his random emails asking for updates on my life, and how he enthusiastically put me onto new people and resources.
Awhile ago, I mentioned missing my absent amigo to a female friend of mine who also knows him. After listening, she pointed out that I once had a crush on him when we first met and that though he was and still is in a relationship, the feelings may have been mutual. She guessed that he may be distancing himself purposely, out of respect for his partner.
The situation has me questioning whether 100 percent platonic male-female friendships can truly exist and platonic meaning neither person has ever, ever, ever wanted to be in a romantic relationship and/or have sex with the friend of the opposite gender.
I’ve definitely had male friends that I found attractive and was once open to seeing where our relationship could go. I also have guy friends I do and don’t find physically attractive, and I’ve never considered dating or having sex with. I may be wrong but I believe those guy friends feel the same.
I remember having this discussion with some girlfriends a few years ago and the majority of them believing that platonic male-female relationships were rare, laid down their version of the law: Their mate could never make any new female friends and he couldn’t have one-on-one hangouts with the old ones. I was called naive for disagreeing and warned that being so “lax” would leave me open to infidelity.
I truly cherish the dynamic I have with my guy friends and I appreciate the sometimes different point of view that they are willing to share with me. I refuse to believe that in every male-female friendship one person is settling for being friends, although they want something else or entered into the friendship with hopes that it will grow into more.
Please comment and share your two cents. I’m really curious to learn what other folks think.
Do 100 percent platonic male-female friendships truly exist? Is questioning whether platonic relationships are possible strictly a heterosexual concern? How do you feel about your partner making new male/female friends and spending time with their old male/female friends without you?
Comments
11 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.i hate the idea that i can never tell if a guy friend genuinely wants to be my friend, or at the end of the day has an agenda. i’m sorry to say it but I don’t think platonic CLOSE friendships between men and women exist. period. the worst part is when you take take that “platonic” friendship to the next level and it ends up being a disaster. But what is the alternative, stay friends while you both, or one of you, still has secret feelings? that seems painful. It’s a tough call and more complicated that we want to make it out to be.
There a few things I want to point out about the dynamics of a male-female friendship before I reply to the question of if they can exist 100%. Being a man whose friends are predominately women, I definately have an opinion on the matter.
Women, especially the ones that I surrounded myself with, are open to build relationships with men and other women for the simple nature of growing and learning through communication.
Men are more drawn to create relationships with women that they are attracted to than women are to men. For men, a male-female relationship automatically permits the possiblity of sex, let alone having feelings and/or wanting a relationship. However, this does not necessarily mean that they will act upon it. The fact is that its a consideration. Ideally, men and women want their lovers to be friends. Men (and women) do not mind if the friends are lovers in certain circumstances, but that lends itself to a separate topic of its own. As long as woman are around, sex will be on the mind of a man at some level. There might not be an attraction, he might not even have feelings, or even know the woman’s first name, but the consideration is there. Every man has considered having sex with all of his female friends.
With all that said, I believe there is a possibility of having a purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex, but only after any sexual and/or emotional issues have been confronted and worked out.
For me it’s as simple as this: We all desire real meaningful friendships and it seems inevitable that you will entertain dating your friend of the opposite sex if your friendship is great. I think the notion of dating is bound to come along, and their may be occasionally chemistry, but be careful to not entertain it to seriously. Its our nature to think this way, but should use great caution when deciding to make a move.
I do think males and females can have close platonic relationships, however I do think agree that the idea of sex or something more entered at least someone’s mind at some point. I don’t necessarily think that is a problem unless the feelings are lasting or really strong, then someone is just going to get their feelings hurt. I do think that when there is a third party involved ie: your homies partner, things get a little trickier, depending the relationship, and close friendship may not be possible or appropriate unless you deal with those feelings.
They can exist if there was no initial attraction. Maybe a close friend you grew up with (and then watch her become the girl next door). All of the close opp sex friends that I had was originally ignited by a crush or some sort of attraction that made me want to spend more time with that person.. I can’t speak for other people but I’ve seen them close from inception with no intimate feelings. But who says either one is telling the truth lol. Platonic friendships is possible but I think its tough to find a really cose one that you haven’t had some type of feelings or vice versa. I am and would be ok with”my woman” making new friends and hanging out with a close male friend as long as she clues me in on who he is and introduces me. (Ex boyfriends that are friends is a whole nother topic) Id have to obviously have to have some trust established with this woman. And I feel as long as I am doing what I’m suppose to be doing I have nothing to worry about. I can have female friends and vice versa but there must respect and If some nosey person calls you up and says I seen your girl with this guy, I can be like yeah that’s roger or whatever. You must have understanding to know that this friend only wants to be a friend and isn’t looking for anything more..which is already hard to determine sometimes.. anyhow now I’m rambling..
Wow guys thanks for commenting, makes it look like people actually ready my blog!
@ Jess, I feel you. It can be a disaster to test the waters of a platonic relationship but dang, can’t a great friendship bounce back from almost anything? Maybe that’s only possible when both friends sit down, discuss their feelings and decide if they feel comfortable about testing the friendship before something happens.
@ Sunny, you think every single guy has considered sex with their female friend and considered meaning it crossed their mind but they may not even want to in the end?
@ Sam, please go in on the exes that are friends. I really want to hear a man’s take on this. And I agree, I have no problem with my partner making new female friends and hanging out with the old ones. I’d especially feel comfortable being introduced to them and knowing who they are.
Thats exactly what I mean.
The idea of having a strictly platonic relationship is very attainable. The factor that will always be present however is the sexual difference that genders how a hetero social couple treats each other. I would venture to say those that we draw to and keep in our lives, same sex or opposite, reflect some quality that we are attracted to, admire, or just desire to emulate. To maintain the platonic relationship even in the midst of attraction there must be something that the two receive from each other that they both don’t want to lose.
Often with the opposite sex in my experience there is also some degree of physical attraction with female friends. We all have known this on some level from our earliest platonic relationships with the opposite sex. We knew in the school yard that the push and run from your favorite friend of the opposite sex felt different. You chased them differently. With those type of friends, in adulthood, the push and pull of a platonic relationship still feels different from those other friendships. Most of the women I am friends with I am attracted to on some level. Most of them are beautiful and talented women that I force into that friend zone because there is something about them that I desire to have in my life for a long time. I wouldn’t want to risk the beauty of our friendship on exploring the attraction that we may have to each other. In the end some things are left better as they begin. I have witnessed one of my homies lose a great friend because he “got in his feelings” and she wasn’t in the same place right then. By forcing the issue it seems like the woman that was his friend felt some sense of betrayal to the safe place she thought was their friendship. She saw their friendship as a place she didn’t have to worry about the typical male/female issues. He wanted to leave that safe place. In the end he found the only place he could exist in her world was that area of friendship. He lost one. I know that friendship still crosses his mind.
Sometimes due to insecurities of the lovers our friends choose we lose friendships. To me that is the worst way that we can lose a friend. There is often times nothing you can do about the insecurities of a friends’ lover(sucker emcee). As a man this has happened to me a few times. A guy feels his situation is threatened by a man who has known his woman longer than him. They have the history that he desires. This history consists of mutual experiences, inside jokes, and emotional prompts. What this type of jealous lover(sucker emcee) often fails to recognize is the difference in the nature of the relationship. Friends of the opposite sex give incite into the world of their friends and give the support they need from a brother or sister. The role of a lover is a completely different type of intimacy. Most times the controlling lovers that cut friends out of their lovers lives are the ones that are worst for them and platonic friends are helpless to watch this happen.
Wooooow @blactomselac I’m feeling this: ” those that we draw to and keep in our lives, same sex or opposite, reflect some quality that we are attracted to, admire, or just desire to emulate”.
I agree that often male-female friendships are viewed as a safe space away from the issues of heterosexual romantic relationships. When a friend of the opposite sex confesses deeper feelings, it can sometimes feel like a betrayal because this is someone you’ve shared intimate information with while having no idea how they truly felt for you. In a situation like that you have to ask yourself, are my romantic feelings for this person so strong that I’m willing to risk not having them as a friend?
HAHAHHAHA @ sucker emcees! And, I would never be with anyone who wants me to cut off my male friends for the simple fact that they’re males. Insecurities and jealousy can be a cancer to any relationship. In most of my dating experience, my relationships have benefited from my lover and I having friends of the opposite sex, especially ones that support our relationship.
I think that men and women can be friends. I don’t think they can be 100% platonic friends though. There would always be that tension, even if it’s unspoken. Once the friendship line is crossed though, that’s it. You’re not friends anymore – you’re something else. HomieLoverFriends, friends with “benefits”, or whatever. But you’re not just friends anymore and you never will be.
Most of my female friends I’ve had for years. They vary from the used-to-date to the never-would-date to the OMG status. We keep in contact and it’s all good. We’re “friends”. But at any minute, that whole dynamic could change, so it’s dangerous. Because if you are with somebody and then your “friend” comes through….
I guess its not impossible…but a better word would be improbable.
mmmmm, great discussion! my thoughts are- i have no idea! i mean, back in the day, i had only male friends and either they wanted me sexually and/or i wanted them sexually. now, i have brothaman friends and they’re all wonderful in different ways. would be interested if i wasn’t in a relationship? probably.
i like how blactomselac said, ” those that we draw to and keep in our lives, same sex or opposite, reflect some quality that we are attracted to, admire, or just desire to emulate”.
for me, being in a serious relationship means that my man has all the qualities i’m attracted to in a human being. so even though the men around me may have one or two of those, he’s the one with all of them. so why even go there?
aaaand, i have no qualms about my boo having female friends or making new female friends. they may have one or two of the qualities he’s attracted to buuuuut, i got the whole package!