A few days ago, I was riding the R train and a group of high school-aged boys sat beside me. I made room for them and attempted to get back to my subway meditation, when the one sharing a two-seater with me started a rowdy, expletive-laced conversation that covered why “b*tches” get raped and the beef between “Japs” and Koreans.
It was obvious that his carrying on made the folks close enough to hear uncomfortable, but no one said a word of dissent. Unavoidably listening, I battled with the urge to say something but I didn’t. Instead, I adhered to the silent social agreement of minding your business in public spaces and kept to my thoughts.
Off the train, I ran into another group of boys with their camera phones out, recording themselves heckling a man with an obvious developmental disability. Exiting the subway station, I was tempted to turn back around and intervene but I didn’t.
While riding home on the bus (I know, I know, mad public transportation), my heart was filled with compassion for all the young males I saw that night. I remember being a teenager, full of angst, acting out, pretending that I was to cool to care when all I really wanted was for someone to tell me I mattered.
I wonder if I did the right thing by remaining silent during both incidents. With one foot planted kinda, sorta firmly in adulthood, I sometimes feel the responsibility to speak up, especially in situations that involve youth. Maybe it’s because of my upbringing and being raised in a community where adults doled advice, praise and reprimand freely.
Though, I’m only 26, I feel that things are somewhat different now. I get the sense that there’s less respect for elders, which makes me hesitant to intervene when young folks are acting out due to fear of my physical safety. Some folks may laugh but as a 5″1 (and a half) tall woman, a group of teenage boys with a I-have-nothing-to-lose look in their eyes isn’t something I want to mess with.
That being true, I do wonder if gentle but firm talking-tos from a few adults – strangers included – could spare a child from experiencing “redirection” in a correctional facility later in life.
There was one time I did step in when I saw two kids acting a fool in public. My sister and I had stopped into a gas station for directions, when we noticed two 11 or 12-year-old boys harassing the Middle Eastern attendant. They repeatedly called him “Kumar”, while they turned on the faucet in the station’s bathroom and allowed water to spill on the floor. Embarressed, the attendant pretended not to hear them as he helped us.
Fed up, I left the counter and swung the bathroom door wide open.
“Boys, I get the feelings that his name isn’t Kumar, ” I said to the two startled faces staring back at me.
“Excuse me, sir, what is your name?” I asked the attendant.
“Will,” he replied, seemingly relieved and amused.
“His name is Will. I suggest that you call him that. Now, clean up this water and apologize to him.”
“We’re sorry, Will,” the boys muttered as their faces became bright red from shame.
Did the kids go back to disrespecting Will after we left? Who knows.
Should I have said something in either the above incidents? If so, which one and what? Have you also felt conflicted about getting involved and not saying anything? Are youth today more disrespectful towards elders? What do you think is the reason?
Comments
13 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.Hmmm that’s a hard call. I agree that with some of the kids who are raised in the city the level of respect for elders is barely there. They will easily cause you bodily harm or compromise your safety without caring.
Sometimes it’s best to pick and choose your battles when it comes to situations as this. In the wrong environment a positive message can still be misconstrued by these boys as some sort of threat.
I think that’s why most people in the city subway take on the “mind your own” mentality. Even if you stood up and tried to talk to the rowdy boys, who is to say anyone else on the train would actually get up and come to YOUR rescue if the kids turned around on you. Would this be considered a classical case of “group think”?
Lind, is it only happening in cities or is this going down everywhere?
I agree that this is a dangerous game. Of course most of us who witness this type of thing are decent people and hate to see these kids acting out. But we’ve all seen numerous stories in the news about an innocent bystander getting hurt, or worse killed, trying to break up an altercation or talk some sense into someone. Its really a tough call and I’ve most certainly left plenty of situations madd at myself for not saying anything. But these kids really lack the moral base that our generation grew up with. The question is, who’s going to stem the tide and can it even be done.
I really wonder though Shawn, if the youth today are really any worse then we were or if it only feels that way because we’re older now.
It’s really tough to say whether or not you should have intervened during these incidents. I’m sorry to say it, but I don’t think I would have. Like most New Yorkers, I have tunnel vision when I ride the train and simply focus on where I need to go, while ignoring what’s going on around me. The problem with doing that is it makes me wonder if someone would come to my aid if I was in a situation was reversed. Karma has a way of making things come back to you, but I still am hesitant to get involved in other people’s altercations.
Regarding your question as to whether today’s youth are more disrespectful today than in the past, I don’t think that’s the case. I think it feels that way since we’re so far removed from our adolescence and our past experiences. I’m speaking from personal experience since I went to a pretty bad high school, but kids are just as aggressive today as they were 10 years ago (damn I’m getting old). The issues that attribute to the problems (non-existent parenting; low standards on morality, etc.) as well as the complicated and shaky period of puberty, where kids are transitioning and figuring out themselves are things that will continue to exist. I do think certain trends (the huge cost of running a household and the financial strain on parents; the continued cycle of absent fathers; teenage pregnancy and ill-prepared mothers having children) are factors that make the situation appear to be worse over time.
Question for everyone: Is there any type of situation that you would definitely cause you to intervene?
What worries me is that I’ll get so used to not reacting that when something that I should speak up about occurs, I won’t know what to do.
Hmm, this is a tricky situation. Some kids need a good talking to but since most of them are bigger and more brazen than me, I keep my mouth shut. Too many times I’ve heard/seen teens being disrespectful and I just silently shake my head (as we’ve been trained to do). I worry about the youth of today, as I feel they have become more disrespectful, but maybe they’re that way because we (myself included) don’t check them on their foolishness.
Does this question specifically apply to the youth? If not, I would look to intervene if another woman is being beaten or abused.
@Amanda, the question was general. I agree with you, I think I would definitely speak up if I witness a woman being beaten.
What about a woman who is being verbally abused by her partner in public? Or a child that is being physically/verbally abused?
Usually, when I’m by myself, I tend to not get involved. I’m more comfortable speaking up when I’m not alone and know that my friends/family/partner has my back.
A woman being verbally abused, yes absolutely. On the issue of children being physically/verbally abused, that goes into the area of questioning people’s parenting. That’s not something that I’m looking to really get involved in. Unless the child is literally being pummeled or something to that effect.
should have spoken up, and told them they were out of line. As you know i’m pretty bold so i cant remember a time i didn’t speak out, but i’m no fool, i’m sure i have let a few violations pass by. kids are more disrespectful now because we lack discipline, we lack discipline bc we have no respect for authorities, or there are no authorities to respect (adulterous parents, corrupt political system, weak teachers.)…took that last thought from Cornel West.
Coming to this conversation all kinds of late. I think that’s a powerful point you made Jay. Kids don’t have worthwhile examples of adulthood to respect adults. Could it be the proliferation of media outlets and addiction to trashy stories as “news” that help set this tone? What?